The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
