she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize