She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
