i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
