She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
