Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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