yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
