also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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