I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
