My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize