I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize