i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
