I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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