Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
