New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
