Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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