If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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