until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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