she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize