I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
