I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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