He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
