I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
