i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
