but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
