the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
zippers are such a cool invention
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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