Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she smelled like a LAN party
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
