I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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