so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
