so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize