god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
