I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
