Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
