why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
