i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize