Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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