I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
