i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
