I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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