she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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