You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
