So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize