I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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