video games are the ultimate cock blocker
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i came on her dog
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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