Someone shit on the floor
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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