Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
