She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
