I feel like abortions should bother me more
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
