All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize