just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize