a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
