im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
