when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
