I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
