I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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