forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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