I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
