Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
