Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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