If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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