I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
