Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
